Posts tagged ‘female sex addiction’

26 April 2012

Women: Fear of commitment & Hypersexuality

We all know women who seem to have what they needs that to be in relationship but who are single for a long time. They do not miss sexuality, they have a lover (or some) here or there but rarely a stable relationship. When they meet a new promising man, the passion and the shivers are there but the story often ends with : ” Yes, but… “

Women and the fear of commitment

Generally, in the popular belief, the men(people) are afraid of the commitment and the women always look for a reassuring, stable and serious relation. The women do not seem to have of difficulty finding a good match and making a commitment. To strengthen these comments, the anthropology says to us that because the woman carries and sets care of the children, her best strategy of survival will always be the commitment. When a woman is alone for a long time, we may start to wonder what is faulty in her … Until the day when it is herself who asks this question.

Why women are afraid of commitment?

Fear of commitment can come from painful past experiences:

  • A nasty parental divorce;
  • A break that ended badly;
  • A previous relationship imprints of violence;
  • A physical health problem: dyspareunia (pain in the vulva during penetration), an STI (Sexually Transmissible Infections) one does not want to reveal;
  • Rape or incest in childhood that complicate sexuality;
  • The fear of being hurt, being abused, deceived;
  • Etc…

When fear of commitment is unconscious it can occur insidiously in several ways:

Self-sabotage and the fear of commitment:

  • Self-sabotage of  love : fantasize an ideal of  a love relationship that does not exist;
  • Pushing away men or the new boyfriend by complaining or being downright rude;
  • Loss of libido: to avoid being vulnerable and to protect themselves;
  • Self-sabotage by neglecting their appearance, their weight: self-image becomes negative and the person no longer feels desirable;
  • Repel the other to protect its habits, its secrets and sensitivity or weakness
  • Do not get involved or show little interest;
  • Focus only on th negtiv aspect of the partner;
  • Etc..

The auto-sabotage can also result from diverse messages conveyed in the advertising. Indeed, if we follow messages advertising uses, we, the consumers really deserve only the best. We should not content ourselves with crumbs. Others should be always ready for us. Our tolerance level to imperfection  is very low and we all silently agree when one is not meeting perfection to reject the potential lover.  ” I deserve the best! ” The goal is not to meet a good man but to meet the perfect one. The goal is a law to be respected.

Several myths about romantic relationships are scattered with pitfalls love research. The idea that if true love exists in a couple, there can be no conflict. If true love exists, sex is easy and satisfying instinctively. If true love exists between us, everything is…

Fear of commitment is closely related to fear of intimacy. If I do not approach you too close, you will not see my imperfections. If I keep a certain distance, you will not see my moments of weakness or deception. I will be able to pretend that I am perfect and you’ll love me because I will be perfect.

Despite this fear of commitment, emotional needs and sexual needs do not disappear. A woman may be afraid of commitment without being immunized against her needs of physical closeness and her sexual desires. Sex is fun and offers an effective way to avoid the distress that may cause the fear of commitment and provide sort of a socially acceptable love life and even a sexual life one may envy. “Take the best, leave the rest” may offer some relief. Unfortunately, hypersexuality as an antidote to the phobia of commitment does not fill the deeper emotional needs. Hypersexuality remains a temporary relief and the search for new partners will continue to ensure that the anesthetic effect lasts.

The basis of intimacy implies the self-opening and self-disclosure to the other. This issue may prove to be an extreme anxiety factor. To recognize their fears related to commitment and accept that there is a period of discomfort is a  first step. Losing one’s usual landmarks is a difficult but necessary step to be done.

There, where formerly the woman erotized the mystery, the unknown, the novelty even danger, she has to find new domains of her life to be sexually invested. Erotize love and a long term partner, the stability a secure everyday life partner. Recognize her fragility and remind herself that the commitment, we make is to herself and no matter what will happen, we shall not let ourself down. And if ever we fall, we shall get up and grow by this experience.

13 January 2012

Nymphomania or female hypersexuality Part 1

On October 21, 2011, an article signed Silvia Galipeau in the french cyber magazine Cyberpresse made me react negatively. Femmes avides de porno (Women eager for porn). It shocked me because I realized that hypersexual women do not exist in the media,  they are  invisible. They don’t exist because a woman cannot be hypersexual, she can only be a whore, a B*tch, a mentally ill person or a victim. Victim of a far away past or victim of whomever you want.  Hypersexual women do not seek help? Who would want to ask for help with that in mind?  According to the article, there ain’t really many hypersexual women. Big news, female sexual addict exist, just open your eyes, push your fantasies out of the way and open your mind and your definition of sexual addiction.  Female sex addiction is not better than men sex addiction. Shame, guilt, self-loathing and temporary relief is female hypersexual dynamics.

If men can express with pride their sexual explorations and conquests, a woman knows early in her life that she better  be discreet if she enjoys it a lot.  This article explains the view society had on  women sex life through different periods of time and the way hypersexuality is explain by a few experts.

Nymphomania:  Part 1

Female hypersexuality or nymphomania is a social phenomenon difficult to identify because of double standards attached to women for centuries. Often defined by the rules and standards of an era or religious dictates, it is still difficult today to recognize a woman who lives a real disorder related to sexual obsessions and compulsions from another one with a high sexual drive.

Part 1 of this article is an overview of the various definitions and explanations of female sexual desire and female sexual addiction through time.  It also presents the definition of female sex addiction according to Albert Ellis.

What is important in any work in sex therapy is to understand the client and to be able to propose a model where they can identify themselves and with whom we can  built a therapeutic plan together. A plan that will respect their values, beliefs and their intelligence to act  towards a solution.
The more someone can identify with a model, the lesser the resistance. Sexual desire is fragile. A clear definition of sex addiction is definitely a must. Professionals need a standard definition of sex addiction to assess this growing phenomenon and to protect the public from personalized definitions.

In the Middle Ages, a woman with exaggerated sexual desire was seen as possessed by the devil. If the exorcisms prove ineffective, they would burn her alive. Described by De Bienville D.T. (1) in 1772,

Nymphomania is a real disease of sex, uterine fury, bringing those who were living in the yoke imposing and glorious of decency and to seek from anyone their insatiable desires. Nymphomania is an exaggeration of female sexual desire, an attitudes leading to seduction and provocation that do not conform to the female role as is generally expected in society.

At the time of Queen Victoria (1819-1901), it is clear that no woman considered normal must have felt no desire and no sexual pleasure. More recently, in 1930, Magnus Hirshfeld(2)  described nymphomania as the result of excessive masturbation

Nymphomania develops on the ground of neurasthenia and serious brain disease and mental illness.

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy,  Albert Ellis(3)  (1962)
According to Ellis, the addiction is:

A substance or activity that seems to be necessary to face conflicts or discomfort. In the case of female sexual addiction, it is easy to confuse a woman for whom sex takes a prominent place in its activities. It is in the cause and effect that we can distinguish the two. A woman may have several lovers, correctly select them and be able to control carefully the times when she will live her sexuality. Her sexuality is experienced in a balanced mode, it is a pleasure of life and if she were a man, she would be judged as normal or lucky.

Nymphomania is defined by four characteristics:
1)    Loss of control: The nymphomaniac desires are uncontrollable; she refuses to live according to a rational mode where sexuality is sought and lived in a sensible pattern. When desire takes hold her, she must quickly satisfy them, without regard for the consequences: job loss, loss friendships, broken family ties, etc.
2)    The constant need: An insatiable desire. Repeat the experience of orgasm. Even when it is experienced many times, she remains unsatisfied. The need to repeat the experience when tensions reappear.
3)    The compulsivity: The woman is driven to action or to seek to have relationships in spite of her desire to stop. Even when the compulsion leads to the act, she remains unsatisfied for reasons that remain obscure even to her. There is an absence of choice.
4)    Self-contempt: Because women’s sexuality has long been stigmatized in Western society, the nymphomaniac is judge severely by those around her. As a result, she is judging her conduct harshly.
The nymphomaniac seeks to escape the anxieties generate by her sexual activities not only because they are disturbing or demonstrate a serious emotional problem but because they lead her to feel even more self-contempt. She is caught in a vicious circle in which her conduct deeply affect her and lead her to denigrate  even herself more. These tensions again led her to seek sex. It may result that the judgment  she holds against herself becomes more important than the original sexual disorder.

Because of the double standard that characterize women’s sexuality, a significant number of them can feel troubled to seek sexual activity with a higher frequency then other women around or she might be label as such when her libido is higher than her partners. Being led to believe she is hypersexual when she is not. What characterizes the nymphomaniac is compulsion and self-loathing.

Still according to Ellis(4) (1992), a sexual addiction disorder starts in irrational ideas that are maintained by the people. Thoughts creates emotions which in turn causes the action. In transforming the beliefs that contribute to the addictive act, the person is given the power to move away from its destructive pattern. Once they removed the irrational thoughts, they can work on problems more efficiently.

The client learns to put into perspective the benefits and losses associated with his irrational beliefs and disruptive behaviors and the losses and gains associated with change. REBT promotes long-term autonomy for patients actively involved in their therapy because the gains are transferable to all other areas of life.

Part2 will continue with the definitions of  nymphomania according to Helen Singer Kaplan and finally according to Patrick Carnes.
  1. De Bienville, D.T. La nymphomanie ou traité de fureur utérine. 1772
  2. Gellman, Charles & Gellman, Josette. Les thérapies sexuelles. Les éditions ESF, Paris, 1983, 130 p.
  3. Ellis, Albert. Sagarin Edward, Nymphomania, a study of oversexed women. New-York, 1962.
  4. Ellis, Albert. Harper, R.A. L’approche émotivo-rationnelle. Edition de l’homme, 1992.
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