Posts tagged ‘fear of intimacy’

26 April 2012

Women: Fear of commitment & Hypersexuality

We all know women who seem to have what they needs that to be in relationship but who are single for a long time. They do not miss sexuality, they have a lover (or some) here or there but rarely a stable relationship. When they meet a new promising man, the passion and the shivers are there but the story often ends with : ” Yes, but… “

Women and the fear of commitment

Generally, in the popular belief, the men(people) are afraid of the commitment and the women always look for a reassuring, stable and serious relation. The women do not seem to have of difficulty finding a good match and making a commitment. To strengthen these comments, the anthropology says to us that because the woman carries and sets care of the children, her best strategy of survival will always be the commitment. When a woman is alone for a long time, we may start to wonder what is faulty in her … Until the day when it is herself who asks this question.

Why women are afraid of commitment?

Fear of commitment can come from painful past experiences:

  • A nasty parental divorce;
  • A break that ended badly;
  • A previous relationship imprints of violence;
  • A physical health problem: dyspareunia (pain in the vulva during penetration), an STI (Sexually Transmissible Infections) one does not want to reveal;
  • Rape or incest in childhood that complicate sexuality;
  • The fear of being hurt, being abused, deceived;
  • Etc…

When fear of commitment is unconscious it can occur insidiously in several ways:

Self-sabotage and the fear of commitment:

  • Self-sabotage of  love : fantasize an ideal of  a love relationship that does not exist;
  • Pushing away men or the new boyfriend by complaining or being downright rude;
  • Loss of libido: to avoid being vulnerable and to protect themselves;
  • Self-sabotage by neglecting their appearance, their weight: self-image becomes negative and the person no longer feels desirable;
  • Repel the other to protect its habits, its secrets and sensitivity or weakness
  • Do not get involved or show little interest;
  • Focus only on th negtiv aspect of the partner;
  • Etc..

The auto-sabotage can also result from diverse messages conveyed in the advertising. Indeed, if we follow messages advertising uses, we, the consumers really deserve only the best. We should not content ourselves with crumbs. Others should be always ready for us. Our tolerance level to imperfection  is very low and we all silently agree when one is not meeting perfection to reject the potential lover.  ” I deserve the best! ” The goal is not to meet a good man but to meet the perfect one. The goal is a law to be respected.

Several myths about romantic relationships are scattered with pitfalls love research. The idea that if true love exists in a couple, there can be no conflict. If true love exists, sex is easy and satisfying instinctively. If true love exists between us, everything is…

Fear of commitment is closely related to fear of intimacy. If I do not approach you too close, you will not see my imperfections. If I keep a certain distance, you will not see my moments of weakness or deception. I will be able to pretend that I am perfect and you’ll love me because I will be perfect.

Despite this fear of commitment, emotional needs and sexual needs do not disappear. A woman may be afraid of commitment without being immunized against her needs of physical closeness and her sexual desires. Sex is fun and offers an effective way to avoid the distress that may cause the fear of commitment and provide sort of a socially acceptable love life and even a sexual life one may envy. “Take the best, leave the rest” may offer some relief. Unfortunately, hypersexuality as an antidote to the phobia of commitment does not fill the deeper emotional needs. Hypersexuality remains a temporary relief and the search for new partners will continue to ensure that the anesthetic effect lasts.

The basis of intimacy implies the self-opening and self-disclosure to the other. This issue may prove to be an extreme anxiety factor. To recognize their fears related to commitment and accept that there is a period of discomfort is a  first step. Losing one’s usual landmarks is a difficult but necessary step to be done.

There, where formerly the woman erotized the mystery, the unknown, the novelty even danger, she has to find new domains of her life to be sexually invested. Erotize love and a long term partner, the stability a secure everyday life partner. Recognize her fragility and remind herself that the commitment, we make is to herself and no matter what will happen, we shall not let ourself down. And if ever we fall, we shall get up and grow by this experience.

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