Archive for ‘dating online’

5 January 2012

Who is looking for love online? part 3

This is the 3rd and final part of the  Online Dating series. The 1st was about the phenomenon of online dating. The 2nd, the way people present themselves and the 3rd and last part is about  online dating Etiquette and basic safety tips.

* Etiquette*Golden Rules *Good manners*

With a little research I quickly found a wide range of tips and ways of doing online dating. Depending on your personality, you will be comfortable with some advice and not with others. Take what you need and drop the rest.

Here is a collection of good advice that I found adorned with small extra of my own. Enjoy!

A) Monsieur, when you approach a woman on the web, avoid at all costs to make a too simplistic introductions like: “Want to chat?” Or “You’re beautiful!” period!  When we do not know someone, this is not enough  to start a conversation. If you are brave enough to approach women, read her presentation, customize your first move, go with «You’re sailing?», «I read on your presentation that …» followed by an anecdote and an invitation to come see your page and come back to say hello if she likes it.  Remember that women receive a lot of messages on the web, you must stand out from the crowd  by making it nice and easy for her to chat with you.

One situation that unfortunately happens often: A sends a message to B but B is not interested, 2 options are possible:

1. You are not interested then why write and give a negative answer? No response = A response

2. You are not interested but you want to answer. No need to tell a long story or to be rude. A thank you but: you live too far; I have started to correspond with someone;  I prefer men of my age, etc. is acceptable.

How to deal with a refusal?

You can not please everyone. A No for an answer is a refusal  not a rejection of who you are. To write back a rude message is not good for your image and it’s not very mature either. Keep your chin up, a light heart and keep looking.

In the virtual world, it’s ok to chat with more than one person at a time. To chat and exchange emails on the Internet does not oblige you of anything. Sometimes you can be chatting a few times with someone and suddenly it stops. When everything has remained virtual,  you should not be offended if all of a sudden its over. But if you exit the virtual world and meet the person once or twice and it does not click, the least courtesy is to send a short message stating that after these encounters, you realize that your goals are too different and you prefer to stop there, good luck in your search, etc.. If you’ve met more than three times, it might be smarter and nicer to announce your intention to stop dating in person. To end without saying anything after you met is rude, be nice and keep your digital love print clean!

If you meet someone and it does not produce any sparks or the person is not attracting to you, stay calm, do not complain publicly on any forum naming the person’s name! Shouting loudly your disappointment, may push away many attractive partners and  you do not show your beast feature. Unless you have experienced an episode of violence in that meeting, be fare, believe in yourself, keep looking and smile!

You have a rendez-vous?  Great!

Ladies: It is important that you have basic information about the person you’ll meet. Be careful, manage a safe call with  someone you trust and let him-her know about this event: location, time, name of the man you’ll meet,  real name and nickname, email, cell phone number, where he works, in short, as much information as possible. Ask your friend to call you in the middle of the meeting and agree  on a code to say that everything is ok. Call again when the meeting is completed. Be sure to have condoms on you if you happen to want to have sex. Dress comfortable, avoiding perhaps to show too much of your cleavage. You never know, if you are not enjoying yourself too much, it might become awkward to send a double message.

Mister: You were waiting for that moment for awhile so you want to put the odds in your favor. Be punctual, gallant and clean. You have to be at your best. Make sure you look good and smell good. The first impression is important. As I mentioned in my article # 2, people spend an average of 12 hours per week on dating sites, do not take any short cut  now. Remember to bring condoms and if the situation evolve that way,  make sure to use them.

***

So this is the first time you meet?  Please, do not you turn that rendez-vous  into police interrogation, stay cool and  relax. Avoid talking about your ex, politics, your countless material possessions, alimony, your unfortunate adventures  with people you date, etc. Talk less, listen and smile more!

You also have to be careful if you tend to drink faster when you are nervous or stressed, you would not want to do a bad move, say stupid things or become too intrusive. If the chemistry takes you both and you spend the night together, make sure you use condoms . Breathe, smile and be Zen!

***

Congratulations! Yes! that’s the right person and you decide to give it a chance.

What to do with your online profile?

Keeping your online profile active is not  a good idea. If you want to put the odds in your favor and close the door on temptations, you have to do something. You don’t  want to erase it completely? Then make it clear on your profile that you have started dating a wonderful person and you focus on your love project. Discuss with your new partner about that situation and try to reach an agreement that will please you both. The beginnings of a new couple are a very exciting time and we should not hesitate to set limits when necessary. Some people have all sorts of funny ideas like if this was real love we should not have to talk about this or if I state my limit he-she will leave me. What makes a relationship last is not the absence of conflict but the way conflict is handle when it comes up. Communication and relationship are about managing your needs and wants individually and together. Make sure that both of you are willing to do a lot to make this relationship work.

Online dating is quite special. It is easy, you show beautiful pictures of yourself, write a good presentation and you have lots of messages. It can be even easier, you show some sexy pictures of yourself and instantly,you can be very busy. All this attention can be quite addictive. Some people are addict to sex but you can become addicted to romance as well. If you’ve been online for many years and you seem to go nowhere, never meet the right person, always needing to feed the adrenaline, perhaps professional help could be appropriate. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

There is so much to say about online dating but I’ll save some for later. Feel free to ask questions, to write  a comment or make suggestions.

Mériza

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2 January 2012

Who is looking for love online? Part 2

In 1995, the first online dating site has been created. Although the arrival of these sites has been greeted with some skepticism, there are now hundreds of dating sites and they are targeting just about every specific clienteles there is: sports meeting, meetings for outdoor enthusiasts, for gays; professionals , 50 and over, etc. in short, there is something for everyone and for all categories of people.

Such a gathering of people do not go unnoticed for researchers and anthropologists. Apart from the Who? When? How? Where? With Who?  Researchers try to understand what motivates people and how far their presentation reflects the truth. If you previously did not consider online dating as the real thing, the encounters that starts online are now  part of the real life experience and this phenomenon will increase. Between 2007 and 2009, in the US, 21% of straight couples and 61% of same-sex couples have met online. On a larger scale, we say that now, 1/9 couples formed through the Internet.

Cited in The Taipei Times, Pai-Lu Wu from Cheng Shiu University and Wen-Bin Chiou from National Sun Yat-Sen University of Taiwan found that more search results on dating sites, the less they pay attention to the choice of partners. According to Chiou, a large number of prospect can be a double-edged sword.

They described the phenomenon as a “double-edged sword,” meaning that even though the users preferred to have more choices during their search for romantic relationships online, they might not be able to assess every aspect of the candidates because they would experience “cognitive overload.”Although the Internet has become a platform for users to develop intimate relationships, recent research shows that users of dating Web sites do not necessarily benefit when they are presented with a wide selection of possible dates.

A study by Chiou Wen-bin (邱文彬), a professor of education at National Sun Yat-sen University, and Wu Pai-lu (吳百祿), a professor of education at Cheng Shiu University, of 128 Taiwanese teenagers and adults who had experience with online dating showed that the participants tended to make less careful choices if they received more search results on dating Web sites.

According to another study published in 2008 in The Journal of Interactive Marketing, members of dating sites will spend an average of 12 hours  on the sites per week to view files, send requests to contacts, etc.. for less than two hours of meetings in real life. Much more time is used to search for partner versus the assessment of partners encountered. When they encounter one, the person is evaluated superficially at the expense of an evaluation where success of a real a couple would actually be estimated. Also, when the possibilities of contacts is high, love seekers tend to increase their unrealistic expectations. They start looking for  Mr or Ms. Perfect, a partner that only exists in their imagination.

Truth or lie?

According to the systemic approach in sex therapy, we all have a “false self”. A facade that we erected in order to show others a socially acceptabe self. Under some  circumstances, strategically, we will show others  some aspects of who we are and we hide some other ones. Meetings on the Internet is similar and given the fact that online competition is strong, people are looking to stand out positively.

A study  from Leah Lucid in the Wesleyan Journal of Psychology: Representing the Self in Online Dating, the lies are mostly benign and are often done to avoid the constraints of the search engines.

81% of people lie about their size, weight and/or age. The lies are small because people want to meet eventually. In some ways, its sort of an embellishment of the truth. People will also mention an activity or a sport that was practice before or where the person would like to do more or they will name an activity they would like to start. Although many people would like to see people describe their “real self”, they will describe themselves as “self-ideal” as well.

Of course when the lie is too big, its not good. The greatest disappointment comes from false photos, married people who had not mentioned it, people who pretend to be someone of the opposite sex and obvious discrepancies in size, weight or age.

The anonymity of online dating sites also allows individuals with malicious intentions to exploit others.  A certain degree of caution is always advisable. When you are not sure about the intention of a prospect lover, do not keep it secret.  Many people are being ripped off financially. Pay attention when it comes to sending money, giving banking information or paying for a plane ticket or lending money for a ticket. If you are very lonely and you need love, you can be an easy target for bandits.  These people can go very far to trick you. If you are in a strange situation and you are too uncomfortable or shameful to talk to your family or friends(its not a good sign), go seek professionnal guidance.

Online dating is here to stay, some predict  it will become the norm in the future. The next article of this Online dating  Serie will be about the Netiquette of dating online. Come back soon!

Meriza

PS Your comments, questions and suggestions are welcome.

19 December 2011

Who is looking for love online? Online dating Serie 1

This article is the first of a serie of 4. They will all be out before next year. Bonne lecture!

We all have someone we know who met their lovers online. This new way of dating has been going on for many years now and it is here to stay. In 2000, I was spending many hours on the computer (for study) and meeting people online was possible, easy and so exciting. These days when you were online, you would not tell people too much. If you were dating online, you were consider a desperate case or people would wonder what is wrong with you.

I don’t understand, you are not that bad!

Today, dating sites and social medias  facilitates  communication, the search for online dating has never been so easy to meet someone.

Who’s dating online? Everyone?

Based on a  research done by Kim and Al[i],  not everybody subscribes to these sites. Online daters have some characteristics, here is what they discover.

  1. People who date online are more sociable. For sociable people, dating sites are just an additional way to find love (or whatever). This finding contradicts the popular belief that people who use these sites are anxious and desperate loners.
  2. People who have a good self-esteem [ii] and consider romantic relationships as an important part of their lives subscribe to online dating services.
  3. People with low self-esteem who do not consider romantic relationships as an important part of their lives will date  online.
  4. When people have low self-esteem and see romantic relationships as an important part of their lives do not go to online dating sites.

Are you surprised?

The researchers explain the finding this way: people with lower self-esteem are anxious to show themselves to a multitude of strangers, they don’t want  their negative self-view be seen by others or take the risk that it would be spread publicly.  Instead, they will adopt avoidance strategies and distance themselves from online dating.   If the success of romantic relationships is the domain of self-worth, people with low self-esteem  have more to loose and that could explain why they are less present on the dating sites.


[i] Kim, M., Kwon, K-N & Lee, M. (2009). Psychological Characteristics of Internet Dating Service Users: The Effect of Self-Esteem, Involvement, and Sociability on the Use of Internet Dating Services. CyberPsychology & Behavior, 12(4). DOI: 10.1089=cpb.2008.0296.

[ii] Self esteem is your opinion of yourself. High self esteem is a good opinion of yourself and low self esteem is a bad opinion of yourself.

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