Archive for March, 2012

20 March 2012

Porn

Porn is in our lives and its not going away. Whether you are for it or against it doesn’t matter.  If porn is here to stay,  learn to deal with it in a mature and responsible way. If you don’t want to slip into a porn addiction you might have to consider a  few points. I separated porn uses in three categories. Find out where most of your porn use is and see if you have to be careful and manage better your use of porn.

Green light: The Good use of  Porn

  • To find new ideas.
  • To wake up sexual desire.
  • To set the mood.
  • To have access to images of genitalia.
  • To see humans perform sexual activities.
  • To see what you can do to a man sexually.
  • To see what you can do to a woman sexually.
  • To be sexually arouse faster.
  • To show our sexual preferences to the partner.
  • To masturbate watching erotic scenes.

There are plenty of positive sides to porn.  Do you decide when you want to use porn or you lost the ability to choose to watch it or not? Don’t let porn become the center of your life.

Yellow light: Monitor yourself and adjust (now):

  • Believing that porn is reality.
  • You prefer to watch porn than have sex with your partner.
  •  You ask constantly the partner to perform things seen in movies. Ignoring her lack of enthusiasm,  harassing her even when she refuses.
  • You spend more time than expected on the net looking for the perfect picture (or clip) to masturbate.
  • You are  tired at school or work because you spend the night on the Net.
  • You begin to decline gatherings with friends and family to spend more time on the net watching porn.
  • You smoke more cannabis, take more cocaine or drink more alcohol, to watch porn.
  • Your girlfriend complains because you don’t go to bed together anymore.
  • You lye  about the amount of time spent on the Net watching porn.
  • You  injured your penis while masturbating but you dare not go to the doctor or talk to anyone.

Porn can be very addictive. If your porn use is in the yellow light, you have 2 choices, either you modify your porn habit or you develop a full blown addiction.

Red light: You need help:

  • You fell on child porn and even if you were disgusted at the beginning, you started to go back regularly. You begin to fear the police will come for you soon.
  • You begin to miss days of work because you spend the night on porn sites.
  • When you are on the net and watch porn, all your needs are met, you do not need anyone or anything.
  • When life goes wrong and you watch porn, you forget all your worries and problems disappear. The next day you feel hopeless when you have to face your problems.
  • Your partner threatens to leave you or left already.
  • You have several academic failures.
  • You watch porn at work even if it is forbidden.
  • Your job performance has attracted the attention of your superiors.

Porn is adult entertainment. Actors and actresses are paid to entertain you. A porn movie will make you to believe that sex is easy when its more complex than a porn scenario. Be sensitive to the fact that the more you will watch porn, your tolerance level will rise.   You will go from soft to harder porn, it will change over time. Try to remember that no everyone has the same level of understanding towards porn. If you have it on your phone, be respectful by not imposing it on others. Remember that it is forbidden by law to watch porn with minors. If you watch it in your workplace, you may be accused of sexual harassment if others witness it without their consent. There is time for porn and there is time for everything else. Be smart.

If you have children in the house, do not let them have easy access to your porn. On the Net, make sure to protect your files with a password. When your children will start to become interested in sexuality, they will tell you and then you can present them with age appropriate material. Porn is not suitable for children and its not sex education material. It is design for adult.

If you started to download and watch child pornography, you have to know that in Canada (1), if you have not been subject to criminal prosecution, you may, under certain conditions, ask for help without fear of being denounced. There are 3 conditions for that:

1. No specific child is at risk of being abused by you.

2. You don’t have any children at home.

3. You are not working with children.

Under these conditions, the information shared with  your therapist will remain confidential. Before meeting with the therapist,  ask these questions over the phone.

There are many varieties of porn. Some people enjoy it a lot while some others do not like it at all. It is a matter of personal choice.

1.  Another Gold-Star Pedophile. Dan Savage March 7, 2012

9 March 2012

False beliefs we carry in our relationships.

Sexuality is an area where many maintain the idea that since sexuality is natural, everything should go without saying. When reality comes in and people realize that things are a little more complex, many do not dare ask questions and they remain silent, pretending to know.

In my practice, I often meet people that maintain erroneous beliefs about sex and married life. This article presents few examples of these beliefs and some clarifications.
  • Sex should be spontaneous: When you have to work and do your daily activities, it is possible that the time spent together drops and the intimate moments are more difficult to get. You must then arrange to create moments where you have time and energy for a sexual quality time together. A “quickie” is suitable occasionally  but you cannot built a solid relationship based on that kind of sex life without risking permanent damage. You may need to start making appointment with your lover. When you do that, you can be creative and make this encounter enjoyable, sexy and pleasant.
  • When you really love each other, there are no arguments. Its  is not the absence of conflict that allows couples to last but rather how they manage conflicts.
  • Sexually, I should not have anything to say, my boyfriend or girlfriend should know what I like, what makes me happy in bed or else… As modern as our civilization is today, we are not yet returned to the telepathic exchanges. Be responsible for your pleasure and say what you like in bed. Guide your partner and partners, listen to what the other tells you and do not assume you know everything or that you should know everything. Please, do not think you’re incompetent when the other expresses preferences.
  • If our love is real, we will always want to be and will always be together. Be continuously bonded to one another can become heavy in the long run.  You must be careful not to drop all your personal interests and activities when you are in a relationship. Missing the partner a little, having new things to say, keep a passionate hobby is important. Its your color and that’s why your partner got attracted to you.  Of course, I dont mean spending all you evenings doing separate activities. Keep a balance.
  • A guy should be able to do everything. This idea was true in  the old days. Today, in contemporary society, women have as much responsibility in the relationship as the partner. You 2 are  co-creators of your relationship and your sexual harmony. Talk, listen and take action together!
  • If she or he would really loved me, I would not need to masturbate. When one of you  have a different sex drive, instead of being frustrated, it is sometimes better to masturbate between two intimate moment. But, if you find that you do not have enough sex and this generates a lot of stress and baffles in your marriage, why not seek counselling? Couples therapy can sometimes open up to new ideas and solutions. Often the relationship goes well on many levels but not sexually. Unfortunately, the situation can last for a long period of  time and jeopardize the marriage. Do not wait until the two of you are too exasperated.

Finally, I noticed on occasion that some men do not always pay attention to themselves. While women have long learned to be desirable and desired, men should also develop these skills. Gentlemen, pay attention to your appearance, don’t neglect yourself . If you want your partner to desire you, be appetizing! It is equally important to be dreamable and desirable for your partner.

I know my text may seem strange to some of you but, sexuality often drags crazy ideas that makes shade on your happiness. The person you were yesterday is not exactly the same today. We change and evolve and our couple will too. Give yourself the freedom to learn, to change and to improve your relationship. And don’t forget to give your partner the same freedom to grow and change with you.

Thank you for reading and please do not hesitate to comment, voice your opinion or suggestions.

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